Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior?Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.'Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and, sure enough the gorilla gets excited and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free.'See,' says the woman, 'Now, I know why you react the way you do; men can't control their animal instincts just like gorillas can't.'Says Mark: 'Now expose both breasts and let us see what happens.'The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets very excited and is now desperately trying to escape from the enclosure.Says Mark: 'This is incredible, now, pull your skirt up, turn around and expose your bum and let us see what happens!'The woman pulls her skirt up, turns around with her bum to the gorilla, which by now ,was extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman and starts yanking the clothes off her.The woman yells: 'Mark , what do I do now? Please, help me!'Mark replies: 'Now, tell him you have a headache and you're not in mood ... Let us see if Gorillas and Men are the same..
|An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" |
"Of course child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
A couple was lying in bed together on the morning of their 10th wedding anniversary when the wife says,'Darling, as this is such a special occasion I think that it is time I made a confession...... before we were married I was a hooker for eight years..'
The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says,'my love, you have been a perfect wife for 10 years! and I cannot hold your past against you..Maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade so as to spice up our sex life a bit..?'
She said, 'Darling I don't think you understood me correctly, my name was Brian and I played rugby for Wales .........'
The best story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and credit for this painful, but understandable story as told by a loving wife........
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a praise.
Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain.
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "Hi, I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife, the word is sternum."