A new idea from Speedy - The Max Koral Korner

This week’s post – P1

Hello! My name is Max Koral. I am not unique. I am not perfect, but I am entertaining.  I used to be a doctor, now I need one!When you get to know me better after reading my regular posts in this column, you might even like me!

I want to start by stating that I like observing human nature and love causing consternation with the manipulation of words. Let me give you an example. I was enjoying a meal with friends at a restaurant, and I chose beef chorizo as my starter. I thought it was delicious, but as I was cutting into it with my knife, I dropped a sizeable piece on the floor near my feet.  Of course, I couldn't eat it anymore, but I was anxious not to leave it on the floor as the floor was so clean and tidy. I called the little waitress with a big smile and announced that I wanted to bring to her notice something important. She stood at the head of the table, and as I spoke, her cheery face began to display a worried expression. This, I thought, was because she was anticipating a complaint. She noticed that I was holding a fork aloft with a piece of chorizo stuck in it. I started speaking with no particular expression but with clarity, which I hoped would impress her.

My dear girl, I said. What is perching at the end of my fork is a piece of chorizo which came from a much larger one you were kind enough to place before me on this small white plate you can observe on the table. You probably noted that the plate is now empty and I can state without any ambiguity that the reason for this emptiness is because I ate the contents on it apart from this piece I am now showing you on my fork. You may well ask why I have not consumed the piece I am showing you. Why has this piece of chorizo not been sent to its rightful place which is to my stomach? Is there some deficiency which prevented this small piece of rather sorry looking cooked chorizo not been given its rightful place in the World, which is my stomach? Was it not cooked properly? Did it offend me in some way? Have I developed a sudden unexplained aversion for chorizo? Am I planning to take it home and eat it later? Am I saving it for a loved one at home who has a particular liking for chorizo? The answer dear girl is none of these you will be pleased to hear.

The facts are as follows to the best of my recollection. As only a little time has passed, I can assure you that the facts I now recall are correct and an accurate description of what transpired. As I was cutting this chorizo, which I expected to be as delicious as the fellow chorizos I consumed only a minute ago, this piece which I am holding in my fork, fell to the ground and stood close to my feet on the clean carpet. It was a sorry sight, and if a piece of chorizo could speak, it would have said something like "Why have you discarded me?" If chorizo could comprehend speech, I would have said "Of course not dear chorizo. It was just an accident. You can call me clumsy if you like".  I may not be the brightest but I know for sure that chorizo cannot hear and I did not say anything at all, apart from something like “oh dear”. The question now arises. What do I do now? Pretend it never happened? Push it away under the next table? Pick it up and eat it and risk food poisoning? None of these appealed to me because although I am not perfect as stated at the beginning of this discourse, I am honest and entertaining. I, therefore, plucked up courage and decided to make a clean breast of it and face the consequences. Dear girl, will it offend you if I do not eat this and merely place it on this clean plate now that you know that my not eating it does not in any way indicate that the chorizo was not cooked properly or cooked inadequately. No offence meant and no need to inform the chef that a customer did not appreciate the chorizo.

The girl looked somewhat puzzled and merely said "What?"

I mean to say, so much for honesty and appreciation of food!