Bora wants to share
some really funny Puns with us. For those Pun-dits who have heard these before,
please read it again, it is worth the Pun-ishment! Some of these are well known but it is always
good to re-visit them and have a good laugh, because as Bora says, “laughter is
the best medicine”.
Speedy
First, he lies on one side,
then he lies on the other side.
I have a few jokes about
unemployed people,
but none of them work.
How do you make holy
water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Will glass coffins be a
success?
Remains to be seen.
What’s the difference
between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Two windmills are standing
in a wind farm.
One asks, “What’s your favourite kind of music?”
The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
Hear about the new
restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
******
I went to buy some
camouflage trousers yesterday,
but couldn't find any.
******
What do you call a bee
that can’t make up its mind?
A maybe.
I tried to sue the airline
for losing my luggage.
I lost my case.
******
When everything is coming
your way,
you're in the wrong lane.
******
A cross-eyed teacher
couldn’t control his pupils.
She had a photographic
memory,
but never developed it.
Is it ignorance or apathy
that's destroying the world today?
I don't know and don't really care.
I wasn’t originally going
to get a brain transplant,
but then I changed my mind.
******
Which country’s capital
has the fastest-growing population?
Ireland, Every day it’s Dublin.
My ex-wife still misses
me.
But her aim is starting to improve.
The guy who invented the
door knocker
got a no-bell prize.
I saw an ad for burial
plots, and I thought:
“That’s the last thing I need!”
Need an ark?
I Noah guy.
******
I used to be indecisive;
now I'm not so sure.
******
Sleeping comes so
naturally to me,
I could do it with my eyes closed.
******
What did the grape say
when it got stepped on?
Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
What do you call a super
articulate dinosaur?
A Thesaurus.
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You’re not completely
useless,
you can always serve as a bad example.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I broke my finger last
week.
On the other hand, I’m okay.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't spell part
backwards.
It's a trap.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the best thing
about living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
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Did you hear about the guy
who got hit in the head with a can of soda?
He was lucky it was a soft drink.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To the mathematician who
thought of the idea of zero.
Thanks for nothing!
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Son: "Dad, can you
tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
Dad: "No sun."
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My math teacher called me
average.
How mean!
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Clinic Receptionist:
“Doctor, there's a patient on line that says he's become invisible".
Doctor: “Well, tell him I can't see him right
now."
Hi Bora, these are all great! Thanks, you made my day!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWelldone Bora,There is plenty of humour and one can relax and lower his/her blood pressure by reading through the contents.One of the jokes of the two famous Ronnies,I always remember is about the Mastermind programme that they held few years ago.Small Ronnie was the competitor and Big Ronnies was the conductor.Small Ronnie was asked to tell the difference between a donkey and an ass.His answer was "One is a Cabinet Minister and the other one is a Trade unionist.I do not think there is anything else other than the answer given,especially when we compare with SriLankan Politicians.
ReplyDeleteWonderful! Witty! Funny! I have never heard them before, and they are unique! Well done!
ReplyDeleteBora, I enjoyed your puns. A lexophile is a lover of words and there is an annual competition. Here are some of the submissions,
ReplyDeleteYou can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
I changed my IPoods name to Titanic and it is syncing now
England does not have kidney bank but it has a Liverpool
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes
The girl said she recognised me from the Vegetarians Club , but I have net met herbivore
I know of a guy who is addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months
I got some batteries that were given free of charge
A dentist and a manicurist married. Thereafter they fought tooth and nail
A will is a dead giveaway
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress
Police were summoned to a day-care centre wher a three year old was resisting a rest
Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He is all right now
A bicycle cannot stand alone, it's two tyred
The guy who fell into an upholstry machine is fully recovered
When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she would dye
Acupuncture is a job well done. That is the point of it
When you got a bladder infection, urine trouble
When chemists die, they barium
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went and then it dawned on me
I am reading a book about anti0gravity. I just can't put it down
didn't like my beard at first and then it grew on me
If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed
Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine
That was a great collection Sanath! Let us hope others too add more to the list. Does anybody know of any Sinhalese or Tamil puns? Or does the language construction not permit it? there are what are called bilingual puns such as -"What did the computer order from the vending machine?" "Saftware." Saft is the German word for juice.
ReplyDeletePuns are a special form of humor based on double meanings. Puns are sometimes nicknamed “the lowest form of humor” and often greeted with groans, but in fact, the language knowledge needed to understand a pun is very sophisticated (Pollack 2011). Because they require processing the sound and meaning of words twice, puns demand considerable language agility
This is a comment to Sanath. I am amazed at how many such witty, double meaning, jokey sayings there are and somehow they have escaped my notice until I reached this ripe old age. It now makes me want to write some myself! Zita
DeleteLoved the puns - Bora, Sanath and not the least Mahen for the introductory puns !
ReplyDeleteall most enjoyable - Thank you
I was reading Bora's Banter and was laughing gazing at the desktop monitor. Mangala had watched me and had thought my condition had deteriorated after my recent illness. Fortunately, it was not the case!
ReplyDeleteThank you Bora,Sanath,Mahen et al.Hilarious
ReplyDeleteI’ve picked these from the internet.
1) Crazy wife says to husband ,that moose are falling from the sky.Husband says it’s reindeer.
2) Can February March ?.No but April May
3) Smaller babies may be delivered by a work.Heavier ones need a crane.
4)I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger.Then it hit me.
5)What do you use to cut a Roman Emperor’s hair ? A pair of Caesars.
6)Which country’s capital has the fastest growing population? Ireland
Every day it’s Dublin.
Good ones Kumar! A few more:
DeleteTeacher: Tell me something that conducts electricity.
Student: Why, er…
Teacher: Yes, wire! Now name a unit of electrical power.
Student: A what?
Teacher: Yes, a watt! Very good.
Two peanuts were walking down the street, and one was a salted.
(assaulted).
What travels faster, hot or cold?
Hot. You can always catch cold.
What did the road say to the bridge?
Answer: You make me cross
Apologies.3) Work should read stork.
ReplyDeleteNOTE FROM SPPEDY
ReplyDeleteBora is keen to clarify ownership for this fun Pun feast piece.
I received an email with the puns which I thought was sent by Bora (Harsha). It was very funny and I wanted to share with the Batch and posted it without his knowledge. Ideal for Bora's Banter, I thought.
Bora saw it on the blog and realised that it was actually sent to me by Harshi and not Harsha!
He wants to clarify this and make the correct attribution. Bora cannot take credit for it although he had a lot of fun reading the puns.
The misunderstanding was because Harsha and Harshi have the same email address.
Moral of the story: Don’t wear your wife’s clothes and vice versa!
Medical puns
ReplyDelete"I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up."
He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart."
I went to the library to get a medical book on abdominal pain. Somebody had ripped the appendix out
Statistically, nine out of ten injections are in vein
What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil? "Did you hear? The doctor's taking us out tonight.
Why are pediatricians always agitated? Because they have little patients!
Mahen
ReplyDeleteThanks for clarifying and also for taking the initiative to post the collection of puns on the Blog.They were very punny and funny.It appears to have gone down well with our core group and produced a lot of therapeutic laughter.You have to take the credit for this and not me. Not certain who collected these Puns together maybe Mr PUN-ditharatne.
Hi Srianee, Sumathy ,Zita ,Lucky and Rohini
ReplyDeleteGlad that you enjoyed the Puns,credit to mahen.
Kumar and Sanath
ReplyDeleteEnjoyed your Puns.Keep safe.
Bora,Kumar and Mahen, I think all of you are real 'Pun-dits"
ReplyDeleteSanath, does P after Sanath stand for Pandit! Sounds good doesn't it. Mahaarchariya Sanath Pundit Lamabadusuriya!
DeleteSumathi, are there Sinhala puns or is a pun a western invention?
ReplyDeleteMahen, Thank you very much for the excellent suggestion. P stands for Punsara; a bit too late to change it!
ReplyDeleteBora
ReplyDeleteThank you for your Bora's Banter which I enjoyed very much.How do you store all these puns in your head? Amazing !
Thanks not only Bora but also Sanath, Kumar and Mahendra for your valuable contributions.
I must say that this is the ideal time to publish this during this Corona Lock down period where we are indoors most of the time.
I agree that laughter is the best Medicine, for us the retired doctors!
Chira
Hi Chira
ReplyDeleteGlad you enjoyed the puns and for the kind words.To be honest I did not contribute anything but I enjoyed the puns too.An earlier post by Mahen explains what happened.Agree laughter is therapeutic,keep safe.
Dear All, I do not carry all these snippets in my head. Whenever I come across something interesting, I store it in my Apple phone and retrieve it when required. I teach my students many things other than paediatrics,such as histroy of medicine, geography, history, sports etc. There are maps of the world,Sri Lanka and Greater Anuradhapura area in my tutorial room. When a student from Moneragala, presents the history of a patient from Galenbindunuwewa or Kahatagasdigiliya, I request the student to locate it on the relevant map, thereby updating their knowledge of Sri Lankan geography,for the entire group of 40 students. I do the same after returning from abroad. When I returned home after a tour of Peru, in February 2020, I asked a student to locate Peru and she was focussing on the Middle East!
ReplyDeleteHi Everyone, I am enjoying this 'punny' exchange. Unfortunately, I never remember jokes and cannot contribute any to this collection. When I try to relate a joke I seem to forget the punch line!!
ReplyDeleteOh, well...