By Rohini Anandaraja
The world has ceased to be a secure place to live in, least of all to bring up future generations.
Children are the most vulnerable in societies, and the effects of poverty, environmental degradation and violence compound their vulnerability. How can we as adults mitigate and reverse these trends, and give future generations the best environments to thrive in?
If one looks back through history, or the pasts of antisocial elements, it becomes apparent that most, if not all, have suffered neglect, injustice, violence, or other trauma in their young lives.
It follows that, if these can be eliminated and children are brought up in secure and loving environments from the very beginning, brought up to respect others, and to protect their environments, we could hope to make the world a safer place for future generations.
Women bring children into this world, and are closest to, and spend the most time with them in their formative years. Though a mother by her very nature is caring towards her offspring, other factors such as inadequate basic physical / environmental needs, postpartum hormonal imbalances, inadequate partner / other family support ,and other life stresses can impair her ability to optimally care for and nurture her young.
If it is possible to have a solid framework for supporting the welfare of all mothers in whatever area of need, it might be possible, not merely to ensure the innate caring and nurturing a mother is capable of, and give her the best chance to mentor her children and bring up a mentally and physically healthy generation of educated men and women.
Simplistic as it may sound, this may be where the focus now needs to be, where high level politics, legal systems and religions have failed to ensure a peaceful world.
New mothers however cannot be expected to engineer this alone at a time when she not only has to cope with her own emotional, hormonal and physical needs, but also needs to care for her totally dependent newborn. She needs support from those around her.
Historically this support has been forthcoming from extended family when community living has been the norm.
In this day of nuclear families this support has to come from the spouse. It follows that the spouse has to be educated as well, on the Importance of the support needed, and to participate fully in the provision of the safe and loving environment needed for optimum raring of the young.
It is accepted that significant moulding of character occurs in the first three years of life. Hence education has to commence in the earliest years of childhood for both genders. Each person in the family has to be educated from their earliest days, to behave with kindness, compassion, respect, and with integrity at all times, treating everyone as they themselves would like to be treated, so it becomes ingrained, and becomes second nature as they grow up.
Children learn from what they are exposed to! No amount of lecturing teaches them better than what they see adults do! Hence they need to be in an environment where kindness and respect prevails, and be made to understand that violence and bullying are not options and cannot be tolerated. They need to grow up with gender and race equality, and be taught to safeguard their environments.
It doesn't seem adequate to leave this education to teachers in schools. By the time they attend Preschool,or kindergarten it is already late. By this time children need to have learnt which behaviours are acceptable, how to socialize courteously and kindly. They need to be equipped to negotiate the social world of other kids, negotiate disagreements peacefully, to deal with apparent injustices, eg of one pupil seeming to be favoured! and be able to regulate their own actions in the absence of parental intervention when away from home - a huge task for a young child. It shows how important what they see and learn at home in their early years becomes.
As well as feeling safe physically, they should be able to share their innermost fears, in a home where support and accurate information is available, with reassurance that kindness and good behaviour are valued ahead of academia and performance.
It most often befalls the mother to provide this safe haven and guidance to the children at this young age, and whatever support she can be provided with to fulfill this important role cannot but carve a path to a better world.
I do not pretend to have a simple solution to the problems of the world today, but if as adults we can help achieve these goals in our own little communities in our own little corners of the earth, even by supporting available networks, we can at least hope to make some positive change, so that by our inaction we do not let our children and our world be destroyed.
The hand that rocks the cradle has the key to the child's world at a time when he/she is most receptive, with opportunity to fashion their psyche and behaviour in favorable ways, so they grow up to be caring, responsible citizens, able to safeguard their future in a safer world for all.
Needless to say, the attendant issues to making this a reality are many. Dealing with poverty, ensuring education for all women globally, promoting gender/race equality etc all need to be addressed, and unless we keep these in mind and act, the problems will continue.
This is not an aim for superiority of one gender over another, to favour one gender over another, or to sideline the important role fathers play in bringing up children, but to highlight the role incumbent on mothers to play in the home, as guardians of these young minds - a role often overlooked and undervalued. It is so men and women can work, not in competition, but in supportive partnerships, to bring up generations of caring and responsible men and women to ensure a safer and better world for all.
Too long have we relied on government agencies, law enforcement agencies, religious groups, corrections facilities to ensure a safe world, which they have failed to deliver. Let us start from the beginning, and give the hand that rocks the cradle the support and education it needs to bring about a new mindset for a safer world.
The hand that rocks the cradle needs a hand. Let us all do our part.
This blog (created in March 2011 by Lucky) is about new entrants to the Colombo Medical Faculty of the University of Ceylon (as it was then known) in June 1962. There were a total of 166 in the batch (included 11 from Peradeniya). Please address all communications to: colmedgrads1962@gmail.com. Header image: Courtesy Prof. Rohan Jayasekara, Dean, Faculty of Medicine, University of Colombo (2011 - 2014). Please use the search bar using a keyword to access what interests you
Rohini
ReplyDeleteThank you for that fine and comprehensive treatise on the important issue of bringing up children written so well with feeling. I wish I knew then what I know now.
So grateful you have finally decided to share your thoughts with us.
Nihal, I wish too that “I knew then what I know now “.
DeleteWe had no protocols to follow, nor boxes to tick! but learned on the job. You’ve done very well- congratulations !
ReplyDeleteComment:
This is Zita
One can hardly add anything to this wonderful, far sighted, completely practical solution to a problem which in fact will practically change the face of the troubled world of young adults behaving badly and antisocially. I cannot add anything to Rohini’s observations and the solutions she offers. I can whole heartedly agree with the need to make sure the ‘father’ in this equation, has the same ‘training’ by having a good education upbringing so he provides the right support. It is strange that this method has not been recognised more and stressed more. But it is better late than never. And let us give publicity to this method in all media, wherever we get a chance to promote it. And let us thank Rohini for her efficient and far thinking ideas. Zita
Zita, I agree education of both genders is key here, with ability to tap into resources coming close.
DeleteAs Srianee has said in her comment, “poverty is not the only reason children are neglected”- Hence education has to cover maintenance of family harmony, optimum all round care of children, as well as sensible management of resources.
Thank you for your valuable input.
Rohini, thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings about raising children. We definitely need to give a hand to the hand that 'rocks the cradle.' I have observed that young fathers are much more involved than in earlier times, which is hopeful. Sadly, poverty is not the only reason that children are neglected. The drive to be successful and amass wealth has led to children having very little contact with their own parents, and having to rely on paid caregivers. We have to find a balance. Most young children don't have grandparents living nearby, so we have to pitch in when we find that young families need a little moral support. We can improve the situation for those living around us, even if we cannot save the whole world! Those of us who have retired have more time and hopefully more wisdom to share.
ReplyDeleteSrianee, Thank you for your comment .
DeleteI think I’ve partially responded to it in my reply to Zita above.
We have in our own lives had to find the balance between motherhood and ‘work’, and have been very busy trying to do so !
Now in our retirement is the time to see where we can help those who are struggling. As you say, and as Mother Theresa has said-
“In this life we cannot do great things, but only small things with great love “. If we all can help in our little ways , in our own little corners of the earth- it may make a difference.
I shall be at home from tomorrow after my memorable trip to india and look forward to posting a comment on this vital topic so we'll expressed by Rohini.
ReplyDeleteHi,Speedy,Bon voyage.
DeleteI am looking forward to see your valuable comments on the well written article.I,am sure our generation paid well attention to the need of our children from the cradle to their adult hood.Very many of children of our batch have done very well in academia.I wish their children too follow the foot steps of the parents.
I hope!you will refrain from writing anything of April Fools Day.
I take this opportunity to thank Rohini for spending her valuable,in the middle of her family commitments.Prends garde-Mon Rohini.
Sumathi
Sumathi, Thank you for your comment.
DeleteI agree we’ve been fortunate to have been able to bring up our ‘kids’ so they can contribute to society.
Hope we can help those who are struggling.
This is one of the biggest challenges facing Societies. The central role of the mother in the formative years especially the first 3 years as Rohini has said, is recognised but not always supported.
ReplyDeleteWe live in a period of gender equality. The outmoded concept that women are there for recreation and procreation only has largely been replaced, with women being valued far more than they have ever been before, although the battle is by no means over. It is still “work in progress”. But the increasing number of working mothers and the shrinking extended family does pose problems. I am very impressed by the Scandinavian approach where the State subsidises the cost of Nursery care to become affordable so that mothers can report to work with the knowledge that their children are well looked after. They have a lot of flexible working hours schemes for both the wife and husband. Scandinavians are very proud of their egalitarian approach.
The role of the Father is very important and it is good to see implementations such as paternity leave and flexible hours. But I do feel that the role that the Mother plays is crucial. Things are even more complicated with same sex marriages with two men who are formally married or living together bringing up a child!
As with many things in Society, the individual, the family and the Society have roles to play but it is the role of the State to make it possible for all families, irrespective of their financial status, to ensure proper care of the future generation. I despair at systems in some parts of the World where this does not happen. The thesis that people who are less well-off are “lazy” and do not deserve any State assistance is blinkered, short sighted and downright inhuman.
There is of course a debate about the long term effects on the child at being separated from the mother at such an early age, albeit for short periods of time. Personally, I would find it difficult to cope with a child of mine being brought up in a Nursery from age 6 months to 6 years for 5 days a week. I am sure Rohini will know more about this aspect. Financial pressures often are the cause of deterioration in the ability of a family to provide the right care for their children. But such pressures need not be there in many cases if they have a more balanced approach to material needs, often driven by greed and unhealthy desires. Having said that, value systems are inherent in Societies and everything should be done to protect beneficial ones. Social media can play a part by promoting proper approaches as being “cool”.
The safety of children is just one aspect of the challenges facing us. We need to pause and reflect frequently and be conscious of crucial things such as values, principles, our place in Society and our responsibilities to the future generations and to our Planet. We need to use our power as individuals to influence Policies.
Rohini has summed it up well in her final two paragraphs and I could not agree with her more.
"This is not an aim for superiority of one gender over another, to favour one gender over another, or to side-line the important role fathers play in bringing up children, but to highlight the role incumbent on mothers to play in the home, as guardians of these young minds - a role often overlooked and undervalued. It is so men and women can work, not in competition, but in supportive partnerships, to bring up generations of caring and responsible men and women to ensure a safer and better world for all.
Too long have we relied on government agencies, law enforcement agencies, religious groups, corrections facilities to ensure a safe world, which they have failed to deliver. Let us start from the beginning, and give the hand that rocks the cradle the support and education it needs to bring about a new mind-set for a safer world".
This is Zita back again. And welcome back from your travels, Mahendra! You've provided some vital points on this very important discussion. I agree that the individual, the family and the State have important roles to play. The state providing good nurseries for children so that both parents can continue to work is important as then the family income is assured and the children get quality care in a well run State, or Private nurseries which look after the children's physical needs and also provide mental stimulation. In some countries the extended family help out. So affordability is not always a problem and what is important is child is looked after in the vital years. Zita
ReplyDeleteMahen and Zita,
ReplyDeletePersonally, I am not in favor of children being cared for in institutions , however well catered for. A mother knows her child best,and with just a change in tone of her child’s voice is able to detect even minor mental or physical discomfort, which she is probably best placed to deal with.
The Nordic model is good with its prolonged parental leave and flexible work hours etc in the first year, but supporting and enabling mums to care for their young at home if they wish until they are ready for kindergarten or school I feel are of greater importance than encouraging them back into the workforce for economic reasons. Mums who wish to return to work would still be able to do so. This is my own personal view, that the focus has to be on the mental and physical wellbeing of the child. Gender equality, enabling women back into the workforce, bridging wage gaps, cracking glass ceilings etc are all secondary, though important.
Couldn't agree with you more. About the Nordic model, I may have got it wrong but I was under the impression that a mother who chooses to remain at home and be a full time mother could do so with financial support from the State. If she chose to report back to work, then the care systems come in. What I am not sure about is whether there is State pressure for the mother to exercise the "option" of returning to work for economic reasons. On a personal note, my wife went back to work only when the kids were 5 years old, and even then, she worked part time and studied from home to do an Open University course. I agree with you entirely that the ideal is for the mother to be there but I have no knowledge of any long term studies in Nordic countries on the effect on children who have long spells of care to enable the mother to work. I suspect that it will depend on the quality of care and love shown as at least in some instances, this may even match of exceed that shown by some mothers. I gather that quite often, these Nurseries are run by men, which sounds strange to mea!
DeleteMahen, The maternity leave goes hand in hand with job ,protection,so that at the end of the leave they are more or less obliged to return to their work. They do get an allowance for home care if they don’t return to work but is probably much less,(even though a stay at home mum not only looks after the child but does a myriad other things in the home like cooking, laundry ,ironing to keep the home clean and comfortable for everyone !!)
DeleteBesides, one of the main objectives of the Nordic model is to create gender equality- so both parents share equally in the home and in the work place- and with a shortfall in the workforce, together with an ageing population they need the women returning to the workforce. As I understand- this has become the accepted norm, that there is almost a social pressure rather than state pressure to return to,work.
As for the effect on the children - Iam sure most must be faring ok, but there are some articles if you google, which indicate - they are happy while young ,but grow up disgruntled and dissociated from their parents, flouting authority etc- but Iam not certain how reliable this is- one fact of course is that they have a high teenage suicide rate, but there are so many other countries which have even higher rates!
Somehow, I feel the ideal situation is if parents were enabled to care for their own children without mums having to work outside home. The practicalities are of course very complex and mind boggling!
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ReplyDeleteThe above comment was where I thanked everyone for taking the time to comment. It had an error in it -hence I tried to delete it, but G said I could not unless I change my ‘account’ ! So I left it with the error and went to sleep. When I woke up the thank you message was deleted!
DeleteI never can understand the workings of even this little piece of tech as my iPad !!
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DeleteHi,Rohini,
DeleteI,too had to act quickly to delete a message with one mistake,just now.
When,you have to delete a mistake,you have to act quickly with gmail.
What,I do now is to go to preview before publishing and try to correct the mistakes.
Try that method,next time.
Seeking education is better than searching for gold(An Arab proverb).
Good luck next time.
Sumathi
I'm following this discussion with great interest! Zita, Rohini and I probably spent the early years of our medical careers performing very tricky juggling acts. I don't know how much support you two got from your respective spouses, but I became a 'single-mom' when my daughters were about 9 and 8 years of age. Before that, my husband was a 'hands-on' dad, not averse to diaper changing and all those wonderful chores. (He remained involved after we separated, but long-distance.) We were lucky to find a wonderful Montessori school which even provided day care until I was free to pick them up after work. My daughters fondly recall those times in the Montessori school, and even though I was busy doing my residency and unable to be with them during the day, they don't seem to have suffered at all. On the contrary, I think they got a fantastic early start to their education starting at 2 years and 6 months. Had I stayed home with them, I don't think I could have done everything their teachers did. Of course, not everyone is able to afford a Montessori school. Nowadays, some young parents are able to take time off from their careers to be home with their very young children, and return to work when the time is right. When I was doing my residency in pathology from 1971 to 1976, people would look at you cross-eyed if you took time off from your medical training. Thankfully, it is different now and there are training programs that offer creative opportunities to 'share' your residency, which means that one works part-time and takes longer to complete the training.
ReplyDeleteIt is very difficult for young parents when they do not have family members living nearby. One needs the support of friends and neighbors who eventually become one's surrogate family as time goes on. I could not have survived without the wonderful friends and neighbors who supported me in Connecticut when my daughters were growing up.
Srianee, Tricky it was indeed !
ReplyDeleteI have worn five different ‘hats’ in my career, each to suit the requirements of my kids at different stages- HO, GP, Assistant Geriatrician, Dermatologist, Research assistant , and back to GP !
The early solo GP run was the toughest, with asthmatics turning up at my door in the middle of the night etc.at a time when GP after-hours services were non- existent.
I did wonder at times whether I was a solo mum! but then the lawns did get mown, the ‘world’s best’ meat or fish curry came on the dinner table, and the major part of the bacon was also brought home, so thankfully- I have survived, together with my ‘kids’ with none of them asking me “which hat are you talking through now “ !
I also had the benefit of a fine Montessori school run by a close friend of ours whom the children knew well. As you found- it was a great early start for them,
and then my neighbors whose families were also my patients helped me no end. I could not have done without them.
We’ve been lucky, and now it is our turn to help those not so lucky.
Mahen and Rohini, You have written about the Scandinavian countries and the support they provide for young families, which is wonderful. In Germany as well there are generous provisions for maternity leave, where the mother's job is held for a year at least (maybe longer) until she returns to work. I think there may be financial pressures for the mom to return to work, but every family makes its own choice. I also think that the majority of educated young women, after spending many years getting advanced degrees and training, would want to return to the workforce at some stage. In the US, the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) was passed in 1993. This is a federal law which allows workers to take 12 weeks of unpaid time off after the birth or adoption of a child, serious illness, or to take care of a parent or child who is seriously ill. Their job is held for them and benefits and seniority are retained. But, you can see we are way behind the European countries. Of course, there are certain employers who provide more than this. It is gratifying to see that in many families the younger dads are pitching in, and that is how it should be!
ReplyDeleteThe right thing is to provide financially affordable choices to women without any pressure and to respect that choice.
DeleteThank you Srianee, Good to know Germany is also doing their early childhood care similarly to the Scandinavians.
DeleteIt appears Germany caters very well to its people’s needs right through their lives. I have a German sister-in -law about 2 years older than I am, who lives close to Koln, and it appears all her health needs are cared for by the state, including regular entitlements to Health Spas where all their needs are taken care of.
Looks like the perfect welfare state!
She has of course been in the workforce all her early life, and whether this has also contributed to this level of care Iam not certain - you’d probably know.
Hey, Rohini, Srianee, Mahendra and Nihal, I come here on the 9th and find this very important discussion progressing and you are using expressions which bring home the point even better. At this stage I want to add my 'tuppence worth'. Mum at home is best. But other combinations are possible. In every instance, I suggest, follow the rule of 'Allow a lesser evil to avoid a greater evil'. So we agree, children take priority over career. One can't 'have the cake and eat it' but you can almost do that if you have a family member, a 'Mary Poppins' or a really good nursery in the neighbourhood. This should not start before the first 6th to 9th month of the baby's life. We've all 'been there and done that'. I used to make up to them during the weekends by taking the children to parks, pictures, visit friends etc and they used to look forward to it. Of course I am talking of when the children are a bit older. Hope this discussion continues. It is one of the most important we've ever had. Zita ( I requested Mahen to post it as I had trouble commenting- thanks Mahen)
ReplyDeleteZita, Thank you. I wondered where you had got to!!
ReplyDeleteI know you are helping a young mum and dad bring up their precious offspring in the best of ways- great.
Unfortunately we didn’t have grandparents to take charge of our kids, but did the best we could in the circumstances we were placed in.
You obviously had much more prestigious and demanding duties to perform than I did, with responsibility to a team of workmates etc. This was the reason for my jump into solo GP initially, so I could do a few hours of regular work in the mornings with my neighbour volunteering to oversee the kids in my home , and then see emergencies only in the afternoons at home where I set up facilities to see patients- so I was around most of the time.
There were times I would have to do a house call, and then the kids were happy to get their little ‘doctor’ kits and come along in the car, and we found a little time to visit a park or beach etc. But when they grew out of this, was when I took on work at the hospital again, so I was no longer on call and could work a morning only.
I was fortunate I could chose my work as I went along to suit my kids.
The hospital was also very accommodating and flexible allowing me to take no pay leave in the school holidays etc.
We have somehow juggled it so our kids have become responsible members of society. This is what we need to help others to do as well ,so the younger generations have a safer world to live in.
Continue your good work Zita- good to see you late than never !
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DeleteThe above should read:
Delete“ this was the reason I jumped to solo GP initially, so I had only my patients to be responsible for , and no team- players other than the receptionist, and I could do a few hours of regular work in the mornings with my neighbour, a qualified and experienced au pair
offering to oversee my kids at home.”.....
Hi,Rohini,
DeleteHe who perseveres finds and he who sows harvests.(an Arab proverb).
Rohini I have morning but deep admiration for you when I heard how you managed to be a dutiful mother and at the same time discharge your professional duties as they day in Australia "Good on you mate"! Mahendra
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis is truly and encouraging move to make our world a better place to live. We must comprise and sacrifice for the sake of our future generations. Thanks for calling out to the environmentalists to shape and preserve this world for the upcoming flowers of blood and flesh.
ReplyDeletecleft palate and cleft lip causes---cleft palate treatment in India---cleft palate surgery in India