OCTOGENARIANS WE ALL ARE!

OCTOGENARIANS WE ALL ARE!

Mahendra "Speedy" Gonsalkorale

We are all now proud Octogenarians, without a single exception. That is a long time to live, but I am not complaining!

Apart from water, food and oxygen, we need most of all a sense of humour. And here is an outstanding example of good humour.

This oft-quoted adapted lyrics from her well-known song, My Favourite Things, by the famous actress Julie Andrews, who needs no introduction, and hence providing one as required by the Octogenarian Society.

Then and Now

Dame Julie Andrews (born Julia Elizabeth Wells; 1 October 1935) is an English actress, singer, and author. She was awarded numerous accolades throughout her career spanning over eight decades, including an Academy Award, a British Academy Film Award, three Emmy Awards, three Grammy Awards, and seven Golden Globe Awards as well as nominations for three Tony Awards.

She also has a Granny award as she has several grandchildren!

One of the biggest box office draws of the 1960s, Andrews has been honoured with the Kennedy Centre Honours in 2001, the Screen Actors Guild Life Achievement Award in 2007, and the AFI Life Achievement Award in 2022. She was made a Dame (DBE) by Queen Elizabeth II in the 2000 New Year Honours. 

Julie Andrews Turning  85

To commemorate her birthday, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.  One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favourite Things' from the legendary movie 'The Sound of Music'.  Here are the lyrics she used: 

Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things
 
Cadillacs and cataracts,  hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
  These are a few of my favourite things.
 
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
     And then I don't feel so bad.
 
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
    These are a few of my favourite things.
 
Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',  
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
  When we remember our favourite things.
 
When the joints ache, When the hips break,
     When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
      And then I don't feel so bad.

Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from most of the crowd (some remained seated for very valid reasons), which lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. Please share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humour with others who would appreciate it.

(Apologies to our US friends for anglicising the spelling. I hope you accept it with good humour (humor), as most of my favourite (favorite) US friends do, in an honourable (honorable), manner.

Tidbits for the week, Srianee Dias

Tidbits for the week

Srianee Dias 

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson 

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake. 

I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand. 

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.

My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there’s a new strain out there. 

It’s not my age that bothers me, it’s the side effects. 

I’m not saying I’m old and worn out, but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day 

As I watch this generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of .. it will be misspelled and have no punctuation. 

As I’ve gotten older, people think I’ve become lazy. The truth is I’m just being more energy efficient. 

I haven’t gotten anything done today. I’ve been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.

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If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, and four U.S. presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban. 

It turns out that being a ”senior” is mostly just googling how to do stuff. 

I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. 

God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then he made the earth round…and laughed and laughed and laughed. 

I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one. 

I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that’s where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.

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My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from. 

Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling. 

Apparently, RSVP-ing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time” isn’t the correct response. 

She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found “Mute” by now. 

So, you’ve been eating hot dogs and McChickens all your life, but you won’t take the vaccine because you don’t know what’s in it? 

Sometimes the Universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still a dumbass.

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There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is, once you get old you stop being polite and start being honest. 

Performance isn’t there, but desire is overwhelming. 

I used to think that drinking was bad for me...so I gave up thinking. (added by MG)

Srianee- "I enjoyed reading it hence sharing with some dear old friends—grouchy ones included!! Have a laugh and enjoy the weekend".

Please feel free to add your ones

FUNNIEST QUOTES ABOUT AGEING. Sent by Suriyakanthie Amarasekera

 FUNNIEST QUOTES ABOUT AGEING

Sent by Suriyakanthie Amarasekera

 

"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard, there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir 

"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. Mark Twain 

"As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom 

"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain 

"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain 

"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper 

"If you want to know how old a woman is, then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe 

"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers 

"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers 

"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." -  Unknown

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin 

"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope 

"I’m 59, and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer 

“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns 

"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs."  Charles Dickens

Some snippets from the past...ND Amerasekera

Some snippets from the past ….. lest I forget.

Nihal D Amerasekera 

The assertion that “Laughter is the best medicine” has never sounded more true as age has caught up with us with all its vagaries. When APR, lack of energy and health issues overwhelm us, Laughter must have a magical ingredient not found in pills and portions. I have managed to rake up some incidents and anecdotes that have raised a smile for me over the years. These have remained in the archives of my memory over many years. I may even have shared some of them with you in the distant past.

"When I was an intern in Kurunegala, the chef was an elderly man who had severe asthma. No one knew his real name. We all called him Rhonchi Rajapakse. His cooking left a lot to be desired and reminded me of the chemistry book description of oxygen - tasteless, colourless and odourless. Rhonchi Rajapaksa  kept telling us he was the best cook in the world. Fresh from the MBBS we were full of text book medicine. The consensus of opinion was that Rhonchi Rajapaksa had  delusions of grandeur of GPI due to tertiary syphilis. Local gossip and innuendo told us he frequented brothels in his spare time. We all got to know the guy well. He was never sober after he completed the evenings work for us. Rhonchi partook generously in the illegal drink, kassippu, that was doled out at the top of the road, in the funeral parlour. Rhonchi sat with the mourners and wept with them and became a popular figure locally".

When I was an intern in Kurunegala I was designated to cover Eye and ENT wards at night. My knowledge of those specialities could hardly fill a postage stamp. 

"Once in the Eye ward I noticed the letters P L on the BHT of every patient. I asked the nurse what it stood for. She said “Plash Light”. Although unconvinced, I accepted this. Next day I asked the Ophthalmic registrar and he said PL stood for Perception of Light. The nurse wasn’t too far wrong. In those days, getting the English wrong was a good reason to laugh. I told and retold this on numerous occasions in the HO’s quarters and we laughed a lot.  I remember when we asked Rhonchi Rajapaksa what was there for dinner he said “Presh Piss”.  Perhaps he meant ‘fresh fish’". 

On looking back in my early years in England, I too got my English language wrong on many occasions but the English men  and women were far too polite to laugh at my mistakes. Their murky smile said it all.

"I worked in the OPD at Kurunegala in the late 1960’s. Sunday was the ‘Pola day”. This was held close to the hospital. People from far and wide converged on the Pola. It was their habit to drop in at the hospital for a bit of free medicine. The patients’ waiting room was then heaving with people. When weaving my way through the crowd I had developed a form of reflex apnoea. When on duty I had the great propensity to attract hypochondriacs. One old man related a catalogue of symptoms. On examination he had no physical signs to support  any of his myriad of complaints. He insisted on some medicine and I prescribed him a bottle of ubiquitous “Sodi Sal”, the panacea for all ills in those distant days.  On the way out he said loudly “I get an ear ache too”. I told him to apply the liquid on his ear twice a day."

Night duty as the MO/OPD could be a nightmare. It was rarely that I had a sound sleep from dusk to dawn. Mostly, I drew the short straw and suffered. When I heard the noise of the ambulance I could feel my pulse rise. The noise or the wailing that followed gave me an indication of its urgency and the severity. 

"One soggy day a family arrived quite distraught. It transpired that the lady had a prolapsed uterus and it was bitten by a dog. I considered this an emergency and did the needful. It was when I returned to the quarters and related the incident my mates tried to work out how this catastrophic event could have happened. I am sure we now have the wisdom and the generosity to pardon the crass humour of the young medics and those rough edges of youth. After all we too were young bucks, once".

It seemed the flushing toilets had not reached the dry zone yet. The quarters had bucket latrines and the daily ablutions were a tricky business. Those at the back of the queue in the morning had to endure the worst. Sirry Cassim, now a retired senior Ophthalmic Surgeon in Colombo, had his own answer to the problem. He had a generous stock of Bulgarian cigars (Bulgarian bog punt) which produced acrid fumes to counteract the other nasty odours. The non-smokers had to make a quick exit cyanosed and blue poisoned by the fumes and driven by the stench.

"In those halcyon days in the OPD, Mist Sodi Sal and Carminative formed the bedrock of our treatment. Aspirin tablets were doled out like Smarties. Once whilst returning for lunch there was an almighty commotion by the gynae ward. A man in national dress was shaking his fist unable to contain his anger and one of my doctor colleagues was calmly explaining to no avail. It transpired the man was accusing the houseman of stitching the episiotomy too tight. The doctor finally asked the man to mind his own business, which left him rather speechless".

It was a great privilege of my life to live in Wattala in 1962/63 and develop a friendship with Bernard Randeniya and Razaque Ahamat. We studied anatomy together. This was an enclave of a certain greatly respected faith. In those days they conducted their funerals with a brass band following the cortege. Whilst studying we often heard them walk past. One day we heard them play a popular song and we soon recognised it was “He’s a jolly good fellow”.  What a lovely send-off to paradise!!

"Bernard always had a fund of amusing anecdotes. When we studied at his house there was a rather large dog who came to sniff us. When I asked him if he was a dog lover he said he was not, but the dog was bought to look after the poultry pen to prevent thieves stealing them. Once when I went to Bernard’s house he said thieves took away the poultry. I asked him about the dog. He said the dog was fast asleep and he had to wake him up in the morning".

On entry to the faculty, we all had medical examinations. 

"When Bernard went for his he was asked to remove his trousers. When the doctor squeezed his scrotum, perhaps looking for hydrocoeles and hernias Bernard simply couldn’t stop laughing. This irritated the doctor so much he virtually ‘kicked Bernard’ out of the room. For several weeks Bernard thought he may get sacked from the Faculty".

My boss in General Medicine in London had a tremendous sense of humour. This he shared with us in the pub opposite the hospital, after a busy day. 

"A surgeon on his ward rounds came to a patient with severe diabetes. He told the patient “ I have some good news and some bad news. To give the bad news first We have to amputate both your legs”.  The news hit him like a bolt of lightening.  The  surgeon waited a few minutes until the patient composed himself.  Then the surgeon went on  “The good news is that the patient in the next bed is willing to buy your shoes”.

This goes back to the days of old Ceylon when Policemen wore Khaki shorts with knee high socks and a funny khaki hat with a turned up edge.  It was the rule that to ride a cycle at night a light was required.  

"A man was cycling along Baseline Rd as the sky suddenly darkened just before the rain. He didn’t have a cycle lamp. A Policeman stopped him. The cyclist spoke in English saying “I didn’t anticipate the rain”. The policeman  was rather non-plussed as he did understand the turn of phrase. He blurted  “anty – ta- saneepa naththang - yanna” and let the man go on his way". 

I have selected these humorous clips which are beyond reproach - even to medics of my era. There are many others in store that require broad shoulders and a thick skin hence they have been excluded to avoid causing any distress.

I sincerely hope “Laughter is the best medicine” will continue to ring true as we march on to the naughty nineties.

Nuggets of Humour from a book - by Srianee (Bunter) Dias

Nuggets of Humour from Shehan Karunatilleka’s book, “Seven Moons of Maali Almeida”

An interesting contribution from Srianee (Bunter ) Dias

Hello Mahen,
I was recently attempting to organize my “stuff” and came across a notebook in which I had collected ’nuggets' from the “Seven Moons of Maali Almeida” while I was reading it a few years ago. Many of them refer to Sri Lanka! While it was not a humorous book, in the midst of this rather gory story, nuggets of humour emerged.  Later, I was in attendance at a couple of the Literary Festivals in Galle and Colombo in January 2024 when Shehan Karunatilleka was interviewed. I found that he was a warm human being with a very quirky sense of humour.  I think our friends may enjoy my collection.
Srianee

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The afterlife is like a tax office.  Everyone is waiting for a rebate

           He was still a perfect 10 on scale of 1-13

Look at our flag. What an achaaru!  It has everything.  Horizontal lines, vertical lines, animal symbols…

           Everyone should pray to Whoever. Then no one gets offended.

All stories are recycled and all stories are unfair.  Many get luck, and many get misery.  Many are born to homes with books, many grow up in the swamps of war.  In the end, all become dust.  All stories conclude with a fade to black.

          You are thinking of that most impossible of all mythical creatures: The Honest Politician.

(I came across a similar one- “Trying to find an honest politician is like trying to find a virgin in a brothel!” )

             You forget what you want to remember and you remember what you want to forget.

          At least death frees you from Galle Road traffic, Parliament Road drivers and checkpoints on every street.

    As if our betel chewing fools go to dentists.

Facts from the Reader’s Digest might be the last thing the brain lets go of.

    I make what all the millionaires do not - enough!

       The pain (headache) is your stupidity trying to escape.

Like many Sri Lankans pangolins have big tongues, thick hides and small brains.

     Kola kenda, the green medicinal porridge with the consistency of vomit…

Humans believe they make their own thoughts and possess their own will.  This is yet another placebo that we swallow after birth.  Thoughts are whispers that come from without as well as within.

  This island is a beautiful place despite being filled with fools and savages.

Smile awhile -Suriyakanthi Amarasekera

Smile A While - an offering for our Blog.

From Dr Suriyakanthi Amarasekera

Some case notes written by doctors can be rather amusing. A missing letter, a misplaced comma, or a slight grammatical error can make all the difference.

Given below are some actual entries  found in BHTs

    

    On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day, it disappeared completely.

·       The patient refused an autopsy

·       The patient has no past history of suicides

·       The skin was moist and dry

·       The patient was alert and unresponsive

·       The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 2003

·       The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

·       The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in a nursery three times a week.

·       The patient was in his usual state of good health until his car collided with another vehicle.

·       I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physiotherapy.

·       While in the emergency room, she was examined, X- rated. and sent home.

·       She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until last year when she got a divorce.

·       When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

·       The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the paediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately

A BIT OF HUMOUR

 A bit of Medical Humour

These are supposed to be sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in an NHS (National Health Service) Hospital Trust in the UK I can not vouch for its veracity, but they certainly made me laugh! - Speedy

1.   The patient has no previous history of suicide.

2.   Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3.   Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

4.   She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5.   Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6.   On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7.   The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8.   The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9.   Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better

Bora's Banter Series

 

Series 1, No 5 July1st 2021

Continuing the hilarious series featuring the inimitable Harsha Boralessa, aka “Bora”, who has the knack of recalling humorous incidents “like no other”. 

Half measures do not work

In 1961, when I had just entered university, my mother showed me a story published in a local newspaper. It was authored by a Dr Ponna, who was working in a hospital close to Colombo and this is what I recall. 

Dr P was rushing back to his car after completing his ward round when a patient suddenly stopped him and asked, “Sir, do you know God?” 

“Yes I do”, replied the doctor and carried on, hoping that would be the end of the conversation. Unfortunately no such luck. 

A few days later the same patient stopped Dr P and gave him a letter and requested him to kindly hand it over to God. When Dr P got home, he and his wife opened the letter, the gist of which was as follows:

 Dear Almighty God,

Could you please send me 50 rupees. 

 They were somewhat shocked; for at that time, 50 rupees was a lot of money. 

That amount would allow one to buy two Van Heusen shirts or a pair of smart John White shoes from Apothecary’s (an upmarket shop) in Colombo. He was, however, certain that the patient would stalk him, if he didn’t respond. So Dr P compromised and decided to give him 25 rupees. He put this in an envelope along with a compliment slip from God and handed it over to the patient. 

A month later the same patient appeared suddenly, accosted Dr Ponna, thanked him profusely and asked him whether he could give another letter to God.  The doctor had a premonition of what was in store and told him firmly, “Look here, I am not God’s postman. This is the last time I will do this. Hereafter you will have to post these letters.” 

When Dr P got home he opened the letter. It read: 

“Dear Almighty God,

Thank you very much for the money you sent. It was very kind of you.

Could I have another 50 rupees? But please, do not send it through the doctor because last time he gave me only half the amount I requested and kept the balance for himself.” 

The Witty Doctor Who 

Devaka was a consultant physician with a special interest in Diabetes, practising in Colombo. He had time for patients during consultations, meticulously adhered to protocols and regularly recorded height, weight and girth etc. Patients were used to this routine. 

When Dr D went on long leave, he asked Dr Who, a  very experienced, witty and astute  clinician with a  busy  Private Practice, to look after his patients.    

One of Dr Devaka’s patients arranged to see Dr Who privately.  The consultation was completed in a relatively short time. The surprised patient who was not used to this told Dr Who, “Anney Sir, Deveka mahathmaya num apiwa manninawa, kiranawa”. (Dr D measures and weighs us). 

Dr Who promptly responded.“Devaka  mahathmaya mage golayek, namuth mamma eyawa puhunu kele dosthara keneck wenne, tailor keneck wenna nowaiye.” (Dr D was one of my trainees but I trained him  to be a doctor and not a tailor) 

Át-te  Amaruwak 

An elderly man from the village went to the reception desk of a popular private hospital in Colombo. When he was asked about his problem by the female receptionist, he nervously whispered into her ear, “Àtte  amaruak  thiyaneva”.   

She promptly referred him to Dr Susiri the orthopedic consultant. 

A few days later, our good friend Dr Neville overheard this conversation from the adjoining room where the orthopod was doing his consultation (the partitions dividing the consulting rooms were thin.) 

“Ane lokka, mumma ata katu pariksha kerane doctor kenek  thamai

Namuth oya atte balanna, Dr Neville gavate thammai  yanna thi  yenne”. 

“Even though I treat bone problems, you will have to see Dr Neville regarding your “at -te” (testicle) 

A DRESS DOWN FROM THE TAILOR 

A story popular among GHC medical staff in the early nineteen seventies.

A bright young surgical trainee was successful at the Primary FRCS and was making arrangements to go to the UK to sit the finals. He went to this fashionable tailor at Apothecaries to get a suit made. 

When he was measuring the area around the fork of the trousers, the tailor politely asked the doctor “Sir, do you dress to the left or right? 

Although the surgeon was familiar with surgical dressings, he could not understand how this question was relevant to the measurements of his trousers. Confused & embarrassed he started stuttering. Several repeats of the question  failed to produce a  sensible response. 

 By then the tailor  was at the end of his tether, and yelled  in exasperation:

“On which side do you want your b…. on?.”

Bora's Banter

 
Bora wants to share some really funny Puns with us. For those Pun-dits who have heard these before, please read it again, it is worth the Pun-ishment!  Some of these are well known but it is always good to re-visit them and have a good laugh, because as Bora says, “laughter is the best medicine”.

Speedy

 How does an attorney sleep?

First, he lies on one side,

then he lies on the other side.

 *******

I have a few jokes about unemployed people,

but none of them work.

 ******

How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

 ******

Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

 ******

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

 ******

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm.

One asks, “What’s your favourite kind of music?”

The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

 ******

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.

******

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday,

but couldn't find any.

******

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind?

A maybe.

 ******

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.

I lost my case.

******

When everything is coming your way,

you're in the wrong lane.

******

A cross-eyed teacher

couldn’t control his pupils.

 ******

She had a photographic memory,

but never developed it.

 ******

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today?

I don't know and don't really care.

 ******

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant,

but then I changed my mind.

******

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population?

Ireland, Every day it’s Dublin.

 ******

My ex-wife still misses me.

But her aim is starting to improve.

 ******

The guy who invented the door knocker

got a no-bell prize.

 ******

I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought:

“That’s the last thing I need!”

 ******

Need an ark?

I Noah guy.

******

I used to be indecisive;

now I'm not so sure.

******

Sleeping comes so naturally to me,

I could do it with my eyes closed.     

******

What did the grape say when it got stepped on?

Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

 ******

What do you call a super articulate dinosaur?

A Thesaurus.

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You’re not completely useless,

you can always serve as a bad example.

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I broke my finger last week.

On the other hand, I’m okay.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Don't spell part backwards.

It's a trap.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

What is the best thing about living in Switzerland?

Well, the flag is a big plus.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?

He was lucky it was a soft drink.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To the mathematician who thought of the idea of zero.

Thanks for nothing!

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Son: "Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"

Dad: "No sun."

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My math teacher called me average.

How mean!

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Clinic Receptionist: “Doctor, there's a patient on line that says he's become invisible".

Doctor: “Well, tell him I can't see him right now."

Bora's Banter Series

 

Series 1, No 1 October 5th 2020

Note by the Editor: This is the first of a new series featuring the inimitable Harsha Boralessa aka “Bora”, who has the knack of recalling humorous incidents “like no other”.

A batchmate ahead of his time…….

This story was related by a batchmate who attended a tutorial given by Prof Dissanayake to a group of students who needed to be galvanized before the exams in 1966. He discussed and asked questions on the transmission of malaria. The interesting part was the answer given by a student. possibly about P Ovale which is prevalent in Africa, but was at the time, being detected sporadically in Sri Lanka.

The student said that the infected mosquitoes  board the  VC 10  in Nairobi and leave the aircraft at Ratmalana  and  are let loose, to transmit the parasite to people in Sri Lanka.

At the time, the thought of mosquitoes travelling in aircrafts was unheard of and so preposterous that the whole group, including the Prof, burst into fits of laughter. So much so, when Prof asked him, in light-hearted vein, “What do the mosquitoes feed on during the six-hour flight”?  “Orange juice” was his answer. At the time we found this entire interaction hilarious, but it was soon forgotten.

However decades later ….in 1990s, it all came back, when I read an article in the BMJ entitled “Airport Malaria”. Five locals born in England and who had never been abroad, all living within a five-mile radius of London Gatwick Airport had confirmed malaria infection.

After much debate and discussion, the conclusion was that mosquitoes do travel in aircrafts. Following this finding, the fumigation of aircrafts before take-off commenced.

It is a great pity that I cannot remember the name of this batchmate of ours who had this brilliant original thought that provoked so much amusement.

Haemorrhoids……A Misdiagnosis

Remember the surgical wards at the GHC (now NHSL) with broad corridors and well-maintained lawns between wards? A newly appointed consultant surgeon followed by his entourage of medical students was walking towards his ward when he spotted a man on the lawn in a squatting position (legs flexed at the knees, buttocks almost touching the ground and arms folded in front of the chest), in Sinhalese referred to as “Anna gahagena innawa ”.

The boss stopped abruptly and exclaimed “typical posture for someone with piles”, hoping to instil in his students the value of observation. He then pointed to B.L. Perera who was tasked with asking the man the relevant “leading questions” to confirm his diagnosis. 

On being quizzed the man replied that he had no such ailment and was merely waiting to take “Simon Aiyah home on his discharge from the ward!”.

Internship

I started my internship at General Hospital Colombo under Dr John Rasamuthu Wilson - a former Royal college cricket captain, a gentleman to the core and a very kind person.

During my first ward round, he discharged three patients to be sent home on ADT. Throughout the ward round, I was trying to work out “what the hell this was”!. I kept asking myself, how is it that I do not have a clue about this common drug which had been prescribed to three patients. All three patients had vague symptoms and no specific diagnosis. Could A.D.T be a mnemonic?

I couldn’t concentrate on the ward round and whispering quietly, asked the sister, “What is ADT?”

She replied, “That means “Any Damn Thing”.

Await the next instalment of Bora’s Banter soon!

Are you analog or digital ?

ARE YOU ANALOG OR DIGITAL?

By Srianee “Bunter” Dias

I have observed several comments and laments on the Blog about the lack of participation by more batch mates from the class of 1962. There are multiple reasons I am sure, but I think one of the chief reasons is the discomfort with 

using computer technology. I completely sympathize, as one who is more Analog than Digital, but I think we all have to learn and be comfortable with advancing technology. It is possible that another reason is the reluctance to share personal opinions and experiences in a public forum such as our Blog. Some of us, who are more fortunate, have more knowledgeable family members living in the same house, and we tend to lean on them when we are stuck.

When we were growing up everything was manual, remember? There was no such thing as a calculator! I have fond memories of my mother sitting up late at the end of the school year, going through her students’ records to enter in their school reports. She did not use a calculator to add up the scores and calculate the final percentages for their school reports. Nowadays that seems like quite a feat!
 
Our first home computer was an Apple II E, when my daughters were in high school, and that must have been in 1985 or 1986. It took up a lot of space on the desk that we were using. There were separate disk drives and a large keyboard! (These days when I visit the Apple Store I take great pride in telling the young people there that I was using an Apple computer before they were born! ) My daughters were the primary users of that computer and I started using it with great trepidation. I had to write notes to myself beginning with “Turn the power button on!” Then I graduated to the iMacs, followed by laptops, and the girls took off for college with their own personal computers. I remained faithful to Apple products, but probably do not use them to their full potential.
 
My transformation from an Analog person to a Digital person was forced upon me. I had to learn the technology in order to survive. When pathologists gave up pathology reports with multiple carbon copies and started generating electronic pathology reports there was no choice. I had to learn. My friend and I even enrolled in an evening adult education class to learn keyboarding so that we could edit our reports without waiting for the transcriptionists. As I type this article now, I am ever so thankful that she dragged me off to that class! When I advanced to voice-activated transcription, I was really thrilled, because I was not restricted by the schedules of the transcriptionists. It was OK if they had to leave at 4:30 pm, I could stay later and get my work done.
 
I am among the minority of people who clung on to their vinyl LPs, in spite of buying a CD player. And I am so glad that I did because my grandson enjoys them too! I don’t buy many CDs now, because we are downloading music from Apple and Amazon, aren’t we?

Our iPhones and computers are getting jammed with digital images. When will we ever have time to organize them? I still own a film camera with multiple lenses, but I’m not sure when I will ever use it again. Perhaps I can sell it on eBay!!!
 
My Analog personality rises up when I am driving. I adamantly refuse to use GPS for directions! I consult maps ahead of the trip, write down the directions and usually get to my destination without too much trouble. I think that over reliance on technology is not a good thing. I suspect that certain parts of our brains are undergoing ‘disuse atrophy!’ Speaking of driving, I think the newer cars with all kinds of computer technology are not fun to drive at all! I like the feeling of control when driving a car with a clutch and a manual shift. I was driving a loaner car about a week ago while my car was being serviced, and it didn’t have a gear shift! It had various buttons to put the car in the correct gear and felt very unnatural. I spent five minutes trying to figure out how to put it in reverse! Has anyone seen the interior of a Tesla? You might as well be driving a computer.
 
Being under lockdown due to the pandemic has pushed us further into the digital phase. We are all dependent on Zoom, Face Time etc. for teaching, learning and socializing. Visits to doctors are accomplished using Telemedicine. Privacy is probably receding to a non-existent figment of our imagination.
 
So I ask you my friends, are you Analog or Digital?