A bit of Medical Humour
These are supposed to be sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in an NHS (National Health Service) Hospital Trust in the UK I can not vouch for its veracity, but they certainly made me laugh! - Speedy
1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better
Mahendra
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your jokes. Some made me laugh. Laughter is the best medicine. Good to start the new year relaxing and laughing.
How did you manage to get these Medical Secretaries notes from the NHS?
Or did you make them up? Chira
Chira, most of these have been "doing the rounds" for many years to be honest. They have been attributed to all sorts of people, mainly medical secretaries and from various parts of the World. I think those who pass it on add their own bits. I still find them funny and always raise a laugh. There are many more. I just posted it for a light hearted break from more serious stuff.
ReplyDeleteI thought that they were Speedy, special.
ReplyDeleteSorry about the grammar, Mistake. Those were the correct wording in place of they were. Aging brain,don't think before writing.
ReplyDeleteMahen
ReplyDeleteThank you for keeping us entertained in these difficult and dismal times. Medical humour often takes me back to my boss when I was a medical registrar. He had a fund of jokes: Once an orthopaedic
consultant doing a round came to a patient. He said I have good news and bad news for you. The bad news is that you will have both legs amputated. The good news is that the patient in the next bed is willing to buy your shoes.
I may have said this joke before but still remains a good one.
good one Nihal! Glad people are having a good laugh!
DeleteMahen, Thanks for posting these. They certainly made me laugh out loud! Most of these are genuine I think, because in the past I have had people transcribing my dictated notes in the most hilarious way. With voice activated dictation these days, we don't get to see such amusing 'mistakes!' Medicine is too efficient and boring!!
ReplyDeleteSrianne, most of the lectures during our days were certainly, boring for me. I do not know about you.
ReplyDeleteMahen
ReplyDeleteVery funny stories, I hope to relate them to my friends during a game of golf and on the nineteenth hole.