A MOTHER’S ADVICE
Srianee (Bunter) Fernando Dias
Several years before she
died peacefully at age 91, my mother wrote several ‘farewell letters’ to her
children. She wrote individual letters
to each of us which were personal and private, but she also wrote one letter
addressed to all five of her children.
We were unaware of these letters, because she had given them for safe
keeping to my cousin’s wife with instructions that they be given to us after
her departure. This letter was ‘good advice’
and we all agreed that it needed to be read at her Memorial Service, so that
her wise words could be shared with her nieces, nephews and grandchildren, as
well as other relatives and friends.
When I happened to mention this letter to Mahen during a phone conversation, he asked me if I would consider sharing it with our friends on the blog as well. I think that I should tell you a little bit about my mother before you read her letter. (Some of you got to know her during our years in Medical College.)
My mother, Merlyn Fonseka, grew up in Moratuwa, the third of six siblings. She excelled in her studies at Princess of Wales College, and represented PWC in tennis. I have in my possession a prize book that she received for mathematics in Form VI in 1930! It is a copy of “The Abbot” by Sir Walter Scott. She told me once that she had wanted to study medicine but thought that studying for five years was too long! Instead she entered the Teachers Training College, and after completing her training she returned to Princess of Wales College to teach. Prof. Priyani Soysa was one of her students. Prof Priyani often addressed me as “my teacher’s daughter” whenever I appeared at one of her ward classes. My mother’s final teaching appointment before retirement was at St. Thomas’ College, Mt Lavinia, where she taught for many years in the Lower School. I think she really enjoyed her years at STC Mt Lavinia. Judging from the tributes we received from her students, I think they enjoyed her too.
In June 1962 she suffered the sudden and devastating loss of my father. In addition to the emotional strain, she also had to cope with the financial stress, because my father had been the main breadwinner in the family. She decided to take on students for private tuition at our home, which she did after a long day of teaching at school. When one well-meaning relative suggested to her that I should quit Medical College after the ‘2nd MB’ and “get a job” to supplement the family income, she politely told him to “mind his own business” or something to that effect! Even though the years following my father’s death were difficult, she was determined to have her children complete their education. Later in life she enjoyed several trips to the U.S. The fact that two of her sons were Captains on Sri Lankan Airlines gave her the privilege of discounted tickets on some of her flights. In spite of the distance she managed to have a close relationship with my two daughters as well as her other grandchildren. On her last trip to the U.S. she celebrated her 84th birthday in Connecticut with us!
Her letter is short, simple and wise, a
reflection of who she was. It is my
pleasure to share it with my friends.
Here it is:
To
All my Darling Children
First of all, many thanks for all you’ve
been to me and all you’ve done for me.
I can with a clear conscience say I did my best for you. If not for your love and support I would have
followed your darling Thaththa soon.
Your love and support, together with God’s guidance and His
blessings, helped me to live this long.
Whenever I had a problem - and I had many - I took it to the Lord in
prayer. He always answered me.
Now that I am no longer with you the most
important thing I ask of you is that you will always remain a united family. You have your differences. No two people are alike. Always look for the good in others and live
peacefully. Help one another when help
is necessary. Go on Holiday trips together,
whenever possible. Bring up your
children in the way God wants you to.
More than anything else teach them to respect elders and show love and
concern for the less fortunate.
Your darling Thaththa and I will send you
blessings.
Farewell and God bless.
Fondest love and kisses,
Your darling Amma.”
Srianee, This is so heartwarming. I had the privilege of meeting your mum a couple of times and remember her well. There is no better advice a mother can give her family than for them to be united and to help each other through tough times. Thank you for sharing this with us.
ReplyDeleteRohini, Thanks for writing. Yes, I remember you and some of the other friends popping in to our house at Rockwood Place after we moved there in my third year at Medical College. We even had some of our SCM Committee meetings on the verandah of that house, with my mother providing tea and patties for us. I wonder if Rajan (Patas) would remember! Suri and others would come after casualty duty to take a shower and have breakfast, before going to lectures.
DeleteThis letter has definitely made an impact on the way we siblings deal with each other. I think we all reflect on her advice when we have any kind of disagreements. We find ways to resolve them.
Sriyani I have not met your mother but feel that I have met, her advice is gold.My parents lived to 85 years they both died of an accident at home dad passed away first And my mum 4years later I happen to be the only child and had to stomach all the grief alone,all this happened After my graduation this I considered as a blessing. May your mother rest in peace
DeleteNithya, thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience. My mother would have been pleased that her words were appreciated by so many of my friends.
DeleteSrianee
ReplyDeleteWhat a lovely and loving memories of your dear mother and thank you so much for sharing them. Despite life’s ups and downs you have indeed painted a picture of a long life well lived. The photo is worth a thousand words. It is such a warm and loving narrative written with such great care and thoughtfulness.
Leaving notes for the loved ones is such a simple but wonderful idea. Unity among siblings is hard to maintain as the years pass and the extended family enlarges and diverge. But your mother has in a few words explained the ingredients needed for unity.
Over the years I have always wondered from your views and comments on the blog why on earth you had a soft corner for that school by the sea. Now I know.
I love that Christian teaching that one day we will meet our loved ones in the valley beyond. What a lovely thought indeed.
Nihal, Now you know why I consider myself an honorary Thomian! My sister and I were outnumbered at home, because my father was an old boy as well! My grandfather had also attended STC when it was still in Mutuwal (?) before the school moved to the campus by the sea. My mother shared many stories about her time at STC. One of her favorite stories was about the boy who was struggling with his arithmetic when he was in grade 5 or so. (I think at STC they called it Upper 3, or something to that effect - Bora or Kumar will know.) My mother was especially skilled at teaching arithmetic and realized that this intelligent young man had missed a few important steps in his younger classes. She took him under her wing, and made certain that he understood what was being taught. Many years later when she was at the Royal-Thomian, this same young man, who was now all grown up and living in Canada, came up to her and said "Mrs Fernando, do you know what I am doing now? I am an accountant!" Moments like that are the true rewards in a teachers life.
DeleteVery touching indeed! I have never met your beloved mother and I am sure it would have been an interesting experience meeting and talking to the charming lady.
ReplyDeleteI was so sorry to hear that your father had passed away at a time I hardly knew you. But I vaguely remember the event. I must have surely attended the funeral.
Lucky, I am sure you would have enjoyed meeting my mother. She loved talking to younger people, and many of the younger members of my family still recall various things she said; sometimes bits of wise advice and sometimes amusing statements.
DeleteMy father's death was indeed a very sad and traumatic event, two weeks after we started Medical College. I was touched when many batch mates showed up at our Rajasinghe Road home, and most of them (like you) were people I had just met. Only a few were friends from LC or family friends.
Thank you for publishing about your mother's achievements and the hard work she had put in to educate you all under difficult circumstances. My mother died when I was about 4 months old and never experienced love and afection that one would expect from a living mother.
ReplyDeleteSumathi, thank you for writing. I am so sorry to hear that you lost your mother when you were an infant. I hope that you had other people who stepped up and took care of you along with your father, but it is not the same thing is it?
ReplyDeleteEven though my father died when he was just 51, I feel truly blessed to have had him and my mother as my parents. They gave me the greatest gift of all; a happy and carefree childhood.
Srianee, I don't wear Levis but my "jeans" must be reasonable because my father lived for 100 years and my mother, for 90! Our family are united in our belief that we are what we are today because of their love and dedication.
DeleteMahen, you do have impressive "jeans." I hope your parents had a good quality of life in their later years. Even though your family is spread all over the world you all seem to be close. Thanks to technology it doesn't cost much money to stay in touch. I remember the days when a 10 minute call to my mother cost more that $50.00!!
DeleteSrianee, I enjoyed reading your emotional article regarding your beloved mother. In the photograph, she appears to be very alert and sprightly. I wonder how old she was when the photograph was taken. Your article brought back memories of my mother, who lived upto 97 years of age after having one of her hip joints replaced by Rienzie Peiris, when she was 80 years old. I am so thankful to Rienzie for deciding to operate on her, despite her age as otherwise she would not have lived so long.Right upto the end, she was mentally very alert and was looked after very well by her children. My father lived upto 84 years and he also enjoyed a good quality of life, right upto the end.
ReplyDeleteAlthogh you lived at the top of Rajasinghe Road and I lived at the bottom of 42nd Lane, I did not know you too well, may be because you moved to Rockwood Place in 1962.
Sanath, I think this picture was taken when she was probably in her late 70s. She was very sharp right up to the end, although because of her hearing loss she would sometimes 'tune out' when the family gathered and there were multiple loud conversations going on simultaneously! (You know how that happens in Sri Lankan families.) We got her hearing aids, but in those days the technology was not that great. They amplified all the background noises and she was very reluctant to use them. But, in a small group she was perfectly fine. She enjoyed remarkably good health and I am hoping that I have inherited her genes! Throughout her 91 years she was hospitalized only when she delivered my two youngest brothers, and once when she had a mild upper GI bleed as a result of taking Motrin for her arthritis. In her mid 50s I remember her playing tennis dressed in a sari!
DeleteShe had a very gentle and peaceful end, when she developed some respiratory distress early one morning and took her last breaths with my sister and youngest brother standing by her.
Sanath, I am glad that your mother was able to have hip surgery at 80. Too often in Sri Lanka they just give up and the poor patient is sentenced to life in a wheelchair.
You are correct about Rajasinghe Road. We probably moved out of there at the end of 1962.
Srianne,It was my mother's elder brother who undertook the responsibility of looking after me as a son.For many years I thought he was my father and address him as "Appuchcha(father) and my Auntie as Ammma.Father went back to Weligama with my two elder brothers.He never married again.Fathercame back and obtained a security job and looked after the two brothers.I had state sponsored education as we were not financially well off.
ReplyDeleteSumathi, it appears that you were cared for very well, in spite of the tragic loss of your mother. You succeeded in your chosen field of study and work, in spite of some of the setbacks you described in the article that you wrote earlier on this blog. You should be proud of yourself!
Deletemadame,Srianne,C'est la vie!
DeleteSumathi, my entire education at the RPS, RC and at the Colombo Medical Faculty was free. My PG studies were on a Colombo Plan scholarship,That is one of the reasons I decided to serve our motherland. On the 1st of April 2021, I will be completing 52 years of academic Paediatrics
ReplyDeleteLama,you are an invaluable asset to SriLankans.There is no doubt about it.UK would not have allowed you to ascend to such hights,should you decided to take up a Consultant post that were offered to you on two occasions.
DeleteLama,Royal College is unique among famous schools in rendering free education.I have heard the word Kuruduwatta Central been used identify Royal College.Some were jelous about its Royal status.
ReplyDeleteSrianee
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing the moving memories of your beloved mother.The sensible advice on family unity is something we can all take on board and how relevant it is today. It would have been most gratifying for your mother to meet the former upper third(standard 5) student at the Royal Thomian. I too lost my father when I was doing the second MB, it was devastating.
Bora, thanks for writing. I wasn't aware that you lost your father around the same time. I can relate to your feeling of devastation. I don't know what medical condition led to your father's death, but I often reflect on the fact that my father's sudden death may not have occurred had his symptoms developed during the present time, with all the current advances in acute cardiac intervention. So many people died of acute MIs in those days.
DeleteIncidentally, My mother was quite fond of your sister who was also teaching at STC around the same time.
Srianee, please reply to my conficential email I sent you few days ago
ReplyDeleteI sent it again
ReplyDeleteOK, I got it and responded. Thanks.
DeleteSumathi, I was deeply touched to learn how you lost your mother when you were so young. I am so glad that your mother's elder brother brought you up and I am sure he did so with a lot of love. To lose your mother at such an early age is such a tragedy. Your mother would have be very proud of you if she could see you now, that I am certain.
ReplyDeleteEach and everyone of us, without exception, has a multitude of personal memories, anecdotes and gratitudes. Some of those will remain personal, intimate and private. But there will be some stories which if shared as Srianee has done will enlighten and inspire the readers. It is indeed a wonderful way to share and show our gratitude to people who have meant so much to us.
ReplyDeleteSumathy's story is so touching and his achievements awesome. Considering the predicament, hardships and struggles his success and triumphs are a great tribute to himself and to the many who helped him on his way. In all the years I have known Sumathy he has remained a dignified gentleman.
The blog is a wonderful forum to share such stories for the benefit of all.
The longer we tread the path, the more the accumulated sum total of baggage. Sum total (SB) = all baggage (AB) - dropped baggage (DB), or put it simply,
DeleteSB = AB - DB. (For the Maths Man Nihal!)
I am no philosopher. Just a man on the street happy so see the dawn of every new day. My journey into medicine is now a distant memory. Maths? What's that?
DeleteIn jest! Not to be ingested!
DeleteBests in jest
Deleteleave the rest
lest we forget
to laugh with zest
Speedy&Nihal,Thank you both for your comments with great sympathies.I never revealed my hardships with anyone in the past.I thought it was appropriate to share our past misfortunes.Looking back,it was a miracle that I turned out to be a doctor and serve the rich and poor,equally in my country of birth and the UK,the country of adoption.
ReplyDeleteNihal, you expressed it well! When Mahen suggested that I share the letter that my mother wrote, I confess, I did have some reservations. Then I remembered that my siblings and I had shared it earlier with everyone who attended my mother's memorial service and that it would be OK to share it with the readers of this Blog. It is important to share our life stories and experiences with each other, and even more with our children and grandchildren. The fact that all of us kept moving ahead in spite of the set backs and hurdles that we faced, should give us some satisfaction and pride. Thank you Sumathi and Bora for sharing your stories as well.
ReplyDeleteI shall not comment here since Sumathi has shared all that in a long personal e-mail sent by snail mail.
ReplyDeleteMy father died in 1968 at the age of 62, just after my Internship. I too had my first MI at the age of 62. I have survived for 24 years since then. Srianee has referred to recent advances in acute cardiac interventions. I couldn't agree more with what she says.
There was a typo in my previous comment. 24 should be 54.
ReplyDeleteLucky the correction makes you 116 years old
DeleteMaths was always your strongpoint Nihal! yes, 62+54 = 116. Does Lucky mean 54 years since qualification and not since he had the MI? I wonder? Seems likely guessing he is around 80 or so now.
DeleteLucky
DeleteA slip of the finger is no fault of the brain.
Nihal and Mahen, I was also puzzled when I did the math. Is Lucky that old??!! Did he mean to say that he got his MI at 54, 24 years ago, which would make him 78? Let's see what he says...
DeleteDear Bunter , I can almost hear your mother's voice speaking those tender and wise words. She was such a down to earth and warm hearted person , she always treated me like an extra daughter. The fact that our mothers were such close friends contributed in no small way to my fond feelings for her and indeed to your whole family.
ReplyDeleteI remember clearly coming to your �� home when your precious father passed away . It must have been so devastating right at the begining of your Medical Career. I was always full of admiration for the brave way you coped with this heart break. Your mum reaching out to a student who needed extra coaching is so fameliar my mother used to do the same.
We are indeed blessed to have had such wonderful parents who taught us more by their example than by mere words to meet the challenges of life bravely and count our blessings and most of all to love God and love our neighbors.
Good to see you on the Blog after a long absence. I am sure you do visit although you haven't commented recently. Hope you and Mahendra are in good nick.
ReplyDeleteSuri, good to 'see' you here on the Blog. Thank you for sharing your memories. I agree with you wholeheartedly that we were very fortunate to have had the parents we did. I try to to follow their example in parenting and 'grandparenting' but I am not sure how successful I am!
ReplyDeleteTo put the record straight, my father died at the age of 62 in 1968. I suffered my first MI in 2004 when I was also 62. I had a stent implanted in the US. Then after we returned to SL, I had another MI in 2012 when I was 70 and a second stent was put in. Now do your arithmetic and see how old I am.
ReplyDeleteDear Lucky
ReplyDeleteI know it was just a minor error on your part. Just something to make fun in this hard times of restrictions and lockdown. This was never an attempt to cause any embarrassment. I personally dont want to know your age.
I sincerely hope after the last stent insertion the situation will remain stable for many more years. Good luck and stay safe.
Thank you ND.
DeleteSrianee, I remember your mum quite well . I still remember the time she visited us in New York several years ago.
ReplyDeleteAs for childhood and parents Sumathi I could very well understand how you felt when you lost your mum when you were so small . I lost my father when I was seven years old and my mother buckled down to take care of me. It was never easy for her and I always felt the absence of a father and his guidance. I do still remember quite vividly my father sitting up gasping for breath and frothing from his nostrils and mouth. The only medication available was Morphine.
Indra, welcome back! It was sad to hear how you lost your father so early and to hear about your lingering sad memory of his final hours. I keep struggling to find answers as to why there is so much disparity in the fortunes of people. I am yet to find an explanation that makes sense to me. To say to people who had parents surviving to a ripe old age that they are blessed somehow doesn't resonate with me as it implies that those had the misfortune of losing their parents at an early age were somehow not blessed, raising the question what had they done not to be blessed and why is there such selective and unfair blessing in the first place. My heart goes out to people like you and Sumathi and so many others who were "not blessed". My apologies to anybody who is uncomfortable with this view.
ReplyDeleteIndra, it is good to hear from you. Thank you for sharing your memories of your father, even though they are sad.
ReplyDeleteYes, my mother enjoyed the time she spent in Staten Island with me very much, visiting you as well as other friends. At the time she was considering permanently moving to the US to live with me. She made friends with my Italian neighbor across the street, who took her out to various places. I was able to take her on trips to Toronto and Illinois, to visit family. She had fulfilled her life's responsibilities and was now enjoying her life. Nevertheless, after a while she realized that she was missing the camaraderie of life in Colombo too much, where friends and relatives would drop in, often unannounced. I was working full time at the time and she was alone at home during the week, so she decided to return to Sri Lanka. She was always unafraid to try something new, even when she was almost 80 years old!
Mahen, in response to your philosophical question of why there is such a disparity in people's lives, we can have a long discussion on the topic! I think that every experience in our life is one that influences us for better or for worse. Some children are raised with a great deal of material comforts, but grow up unhappy and ungrateful. Those who overcome hardship in their youth may be more empathetic as adults.
There is a Chinese proverb which says "A child's life is like a piece of paper on which every passerby leaves a mark."
Interesting observation Mahen about some people being blessed and others not.Yes , these are instances when one wonders if there really was a supreme being, as some religions would have you believe. It really is hard to find a logical explanation for things like this.Having had the experience of not having a father most of ones life I tried hard to be that lighthouse to my daughters.I had excellent help from my wife in that endeavour.
ReplyDeleteIndra, the absence of a father's influence in your childhood raised your awareness of how important that role is in your daughters' lives. That is (kind of) what I meant when I said earlier that "Those who overcome hardship in their youth may be more empathetic as adults." I am sure you are a great dad and grandfather.
DeleteIndra and Srianee, I subscribe to a view that most of us made up our own minds so that we are "comfortable". I was listening to David Takayoshi Suzuki CC OBC FRSC a Canadian academic, science broadcaster and environmental activist about how much "information" is there on the web and how you could find "evidence" for or against almost amything. When most people are looking for answers, most are in fact looking for "evidence" that concurs with what they already believe. The answers to my question are unlikely to be the "right answer" but justa series of viewsm not truths as such.
ReplyDeleteMahen, I agree that it is possible to find "evidence" on the World Wide Web for almost anything one wants to prove. Unfortunately, I spend quite a lot of time deleting and sometimes responding (out of sheer exasperation!) to the disinformation that comes my way. I try to rely on trusted sources for answers.
ReplyDeleteSt Augustine said "Do not try to understand in order to believe; believe in order to understand". Faith precedes reason, but there is no faith without reason, for only reason can believe. Try and figure that out! In a similar way, why there is justice for some and injustice for others in the presence of a merciful God is because His reasons are unfathomable. We expect logical reasoning but that is because we are trained to think that way and the "reasons we fail to see" may be beyond our capability, not an argument that would convince me but millions are! Ultimately it boils down to Faith.
ReplyDeleteMahen, Faith can be defined and interpreted in many ways.
DeleteDietrich Bonhöffer wrote: “I discovered later and I am still discovering right up to this moment, that it is only by living completely in this world that one learns to have faith. By this-worldliness I mean living unreservedly in life’s duties, problems, successes and failures. In doing so we throw ourselves completely into the arms of God, taking seriously not our own sufferings but those of God in the world. That I think is faith.”
(Bonhöffer was a German theologian who worked against the Nazis and was executed by Hitler because of his activism.)
The debate about faith and reason will go forever and it will remain a matter for each individual to arrive at a conclusion which appeals to him or her and I would be bold enough (or foolish enough) to state that even for an individual, their conclusion would vary in time and space. Thanks for that revealing quotation.
DeleteSrianee,
ReplyDeleteHeartwarming article. I am sure you are treasuring your mothers words like gems and her advise, you and your siblings are following to the letter. Thoughtful words of advise to keep the siblings together and to exaggerate your love for each other by going on trips together. Good Idea !
We all have to undergo grief when our beloved parents depart from this planet. We have to console ourselves that, this is life ! Chira
Chira, thank you for sharing your thoughts. You are correct. When at times we get mildly irritated at each other, my siblings and I often remind ourselves of our mother's words.
DeleteMy mother and many of our parents were the 'quiet heroes' who worked hard and raised their children to be responsible, decent people. I hope we are living up to their ideals.