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Thursday, April 16, 2015

Jokes - Sent in by Sriani (Dissanayake) Basnayake

1.  There are 3 Male and 1 Female pencils in a box. The Female pencil  got  pregnant!!
    Which Male pencil is responsible?
    THE ONE WITHOUT THE  RUBBER.


 2.   Woman in bed with husband's best friend,  phone rings
! "YES".. OK,
 BYE". She turns  to her lover and says, THAT'S MY HUBBY, SAYS HE IS NOW
 WITH YOU.

 3.   Three Roosters: normal, retarded and a gay.
         Normal : cock-a-doodle-dooo!!!
         Retarded : doodle - cock - a - dooo !!!
         Gay : any-cock-will dooo !!!

 4.  3 Guys were introduced to a girl.  Hi, I'm Peter, not a saint.
          I'm Paul,  not a POPE.
          I'm  John, not a Baptist...
         The girl replied.. Hi. I'm Mary, not a VIRGIN.

 5. Girlfriends are appetizers. Tastes good at any time. 
     Mistresses are Tom Yams..Hot and  spicy. Eaten frequently.
          WIVES are Maggie. Eaten when there's nothing to eat.!!!

 6.  Income Tax office asked a Prostitute why she puts her occupation  as
                                                        “CHICKEN   FARMER”.
          She replied:  I RAISED 5,000 COCKS LAST YEAR.!!

 7. Yesterday's news   A nun jogging at Jogger' Park was raped by 4  guys.
        Today's News :- Nearly 100 nuns found jogging at the park.
 
 
 
MEMORIES
 

My sporting days are over

My  Pilot light is out

                                           What used to be my sex appeal

Is now my water spout.
 
It used to be embarrassing
To make the thing behave
For nearly every morning
It would stand up and watch me shave.
 
But as I’m growing older
It sure gives me the blues
The poor thing can only dangle down me leg
And watch me clean my shoes
 
Spaghetti.A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?"she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't
understand what it means." The doctor said "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you". Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without." !!!
_____________________________________________
 
Most embarrassing moment
A radio station in Australia ran a phone-in  competition to find
 the Most embarrassing moment in listener's lives.
 The final four were:

 4th Place
 While in line at the bank one afternoon, my  toddler  decided to release
 some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab
 hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and  annoyance from other
 patrons. I told her that if she didn't start  behaving herself, right  now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and  said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't  let me go right now,  I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy's  willie  last night.' After  this enlightening exchange, the silence was  deafening. Even the tellers  stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last  of  my dignity and  walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow.
 The last thing I heard  as the door closed behind me were screams of  laughter.

 3rd Place
 It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was  living  at home, but my
 parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited  my girlfriend over
 for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after  making love, we heard
 the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to  my  girlfriend that I
 give her a piggyback ride down to the phone. Since  we didn't want to
 miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed.
 When we got to the  bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on
 as  a whole crowd of  people yelled 'SURPRISE'. My entire family
 parents,  grand parents,  aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were
 standing there. My  girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a  state
 of shock and  embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
 Since then, no one in  my family has planned any surprise parties.

 2nd Place
 A lady picked up several items at a discount  store.
 When she finally Got  up to the checkout, she learned that one of the
 items had no price tag.
 The checkout girl got on the public address  system,  which boomed out  across the store for everyone to hear, "Price  check  for Tampax  supersize."

 But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the  store  apparently
 misunderstood word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks', and  replied in a business
 like tone, his  voice booming over the same public address system:
 'Do you want the kind  you push in with your thumb or the kind one you
 belt  in with a hammer.

 1st Place.
 And the winner is . . . ..........

 This happened at a major Australian University,  during a biology
 lecture. A professor was discussing the high  glucose levels found in
 semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked,  "If  I understand you
 correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose  in male semen as in
 sugar?" The professor responded, yes, that's correct adding some
 statistical data. Raising her hand again, the  girl  asked, "Then why
 doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence,
 the whole class burst  out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red,
 and  as she realised  exactly what she had inadvertently said, she
 picked  up her books, and  without another word, walked out of the class.
 However, as she was  heading for the door, the professor's reply was a
 classic. Totally  straight faced, he answered her question. "It
 doesn't taste sweet  because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the
 tip  of your tongue and  not in the back of your throat".

7 comments:

  1. Great collection of jokes Sriani- enjoyed every bit of it - thanks- look forward to more!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Rohini, not to worry.....a few more will follow.
      Sriani

      Delete
  2. Sriani
    Thank you. What a collection. A strain on my intercostals
    ND

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sriani, I never realised the depth of your humour. "Laughter the best medicine", without a doubt. As Edward de Bono (obviously a sound egg) said, " Humour ia by far the most significant activity of the human brain". Keep it coming, this Jokes section is proving very popular.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Speedy says that this Jokes section is proving very popular. Rohini Ana wants more. ND is laughingly complaining about his aching intercostals. I am wondering what I have taken on!

    The responsibility is on me, but I am not one to shirk it. I have received so many contributions, but all from our "regulars". For your information, I assure you that each and every one of the precious stuff will be published.
    What I usually do is post them in the order they are received. They are all well lined up. I also post at the rate of one a day so that there is time for comments.

    Let's not get drowned in jokes alone. Pay attention to the other categories as well. I also don't want this to develop into a "club". I am sure there are others who view the blog, but are still reluctant to make a contribution.

    Right now, I am inundated. But there have been dry spells as well.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Yes indeed. Come on chaps and chappies (or Guys as they say these days), get your skates on and contribute to this Blog!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Yes, it does look as if the contributions are only from the "regulars" as Lucky calls them. Come on guys and gals, and contribute to our very own blog.
    Sriani

    ReplyDelete